25 April reading relationship related articles
26 April I decide to strictly and carefully evaluate what to share. I don’t want to add any stresses on him. I want to take it slow. And focus more on my own developments. I post my body, so embarrassed I really didn’t want but still did. I deleted all the posts. Don’t feel to share anymore.
27 April Life is too short to live with regrets. The strongest bonds are the ones that have been tested and broken. Love is resilient. It can withstand the tests of time and distance. If two hearts were truly meant to be together, no amount of separation can keep them apart forever. “Negative thoughts again deleted”
28 April I don’t think it’s him, not my problem btw. Forget about it all. I’m no one special not worth everything has been predetermined anyway. I don’t want to disturb anyone. Sad. But I’ll be fine. Yes did self-loathing again. I’ll stop it-overthinking & anxieties. I now delete my WeChat moments after every 24hrs the stupid thing won’t allow me set for 24hrs visible. Only good ones I’ll leave in the public in case one day I’ll need. I’m not sure a lot of things for the future but I’ll live authentically. I need to stop posting. And read the quote I posted on Weibo everyday when I feel like to post! Stop posting because I feel sick. Stop posting on WeChat for now. Even post good ones make it private first.
29 April Pray | for a more secured and stable future| posted again can’t stop sharing it’s platonic I can comfirm I think it’s good enough. Anxiety slowly gone. But we had made many wrong moves, I should have taken slow. I don’t want to compete. Maybe now work only.| Must appear dumber.
30 April Pray | hopefully| the anxiety feels less intense| told the parents I’ll be going to Nanking . Seems no one excited about it. One has seen my worst. So wanted to contact him.
1 May 2025 I did! And he replied!! You always want to check if the grass is greener on the other side.
2 May 2025 grinding and uneventful tomorrow no sharing today I did.
3 May midnight intuition told me the young guy lost interest anyways if he thinks carefully why he would bite the bullet and I’m not really that good even. I think I know the answer now./
4 May Stop and focus. Fighting mode. / Just started to focus on myself. Uneventful.
5 May 2025 I had an incredible dream .. what does it indicate.. there is an another guy?! What does this dream even mean? I thought I already had the answer..was trying to post something a bit of serious but someone had his name changed. I was reading something on trust. Time will fix everything. I texted him still like him.
6 May 2025 nothing
13 May dilemma still it doesn’t feel alright need to stop it. It’s wrong to compare. Wrong and unfair.
16 May only few days after we already know this is not going to work. I tried to make a decision. And I did. MENSTRUATION 🩸 Everyday feels a bit of different..now I feel sucks when I realise I can’t text him anymore..even post anything for him. I damn miss him more. Fuck.
18 May He is like a different person, he wants to have sex with me..so obvious he will fuck me next time we meet.. before he was not like this…what happened… If darling doesn’t want me, doesn’t check me, I will be with him…even I don’t know…what else I can do. I’m trying my best… probably just one of them… I can’t decide…but I will know.. I’m not God I just know I should be with someone I love the most and he loves me the most.
19 May he starts to text me everyday. Even calls me babe a pet name. Exhausting..when you’re having a bad and tiring day, you really don’t want to talk much. If I have a home to go and there is someone ready to cuddle would be so nice, isn’t it. The stuffs I posting comparing those facebook influencer lol. I feel someone will only talk to me if I’m one of those people.
22 May 2025 feel I have officially forgotten him. Lucky I don’t have any child. Don’t feel like to post anything. Hahah.
1July I know if he knows there is a third person he will definitely tell me go with him. That’s the moment I won’t be able to leave him. If he asks me to stay I will probably leave… Same old problems. I just know probably I should show some sympathies. What he is doing is to want to know my heart..but I don’t have anything to show…the more he does it, it pushes me further away, I wasn’t trying to truly cut off… I might won’t stick around only if when you act weirdly. If not I can stick as long as I want..I’m certainly not someone untrustworthy. But if you want to test that or even just doubt about it you’re crossing the line! Games he’s playing well I could be wrong just what I sensed ..I forgave that as well, it first hurt, but I overcame, then I thought he would stop, and realise what he has done was wrong..but was not the case probably. I never need him to apologize feel sorry, or bad..just sync pls… You want deep connection? Well you failed then. I ain’t here playing the game. Never was once, that’s why I am so confident that I can walk away without any regrets if it doesn’t work. Staying in situationship I understand it’s not a long strategy, but you don’t need grandiose mark to transform situationship to relationship..as it said … True love pulls ..I know this is very unreliable…but probably I want to say the true connection will bond you two together… The true connection is the love, must someone possesses first..he doesn’t have it, he is captivated, or bc he just want to unveil something, but it’s different or it never can make me move. I thought I could just force myself to commit…now I just know I don’t need anymore, bc his big turn offs..I know too early to say..I just want to distance a while..to gain some new perspectives.. because the more I think the more I want to repel the feelings he gives me off. But I just think it’s not going to work. Because he can never crack me to make me open up by imposing such strategies… And I hope it is the case. As I already have someone’s been waiting…it doesn’t matter who I choose anymore…I don’t need another guy truly needs me.
5 July I had a dream about him again right before I woke up it was a nap I woke up at 3-4am today. The way he was caressing me, kissing my neck the kind of love…I’ll never forget…it melts me…maybe once he gave it me I had for at least once..or he wanted to give it me, that something he had in his heart..and is it because our story is soon going to end? This is part of our last closure, slowly we walk further away from each other never really we’re going to meet again? If so, please let me remember the dream instead. The feelings for him probably will linger forever..that was our love story. So weird why I never dream someone else only him. There is little things I can do now..but to watch everything end for good? If my disappear will make them move? I won’t do anything anymore I’ll just watch aside to discover the truth.
He I just think if we’re not long distance, things will work out. Like the kiss… And we could just stop there, let me to upkeep some emotions. Not this fast. Then suddenly felt like a cage and the amount of pressures I could feel from nowhere…
6 July had a dream he revisited in my dream again. We were in a classroom I sat next to him with my face facing him and my two legs raised on top of his legs we were so in love. Later dreamt about my father and mother. Two separate dreams my father loved me my mother did not so that much. My father always defended for me. Then they fought ran out, mother hit father mother’s mother even came help her. I guess father fell by the strikes or kicks or something..then I followed out but I woke up.
12 July it seems from 25June till these couple of days I’ve wasted too much of my precious time and energy on dramas they’ve created for me. Cannot forgive that.
15 July I’m no longer under your radars. “The greatest distance between two people is misunderstanding”
Meandering leads to perfection 